Week Twenty-Three: February 21st to 27th

And then comes the haircut. Despite what you may believe, and owing to my desire to sport serious jaw-mane, you would think I am equally comfortable growing hair all over my head. This could not be further from the truth.

As a lad, I was held captive by the whim of finances and my mother's desire to allow the hair of her sons to grow out to John-Paul-George-Ringo lengths, evolving into that hair-over-the-ears look I now so affectionately call my "Planet of the Apes" look. I did not like it at the time, but before I started pulling in the big bucks at Burger King, I was not calling the shots on my coif. Once I could, the hair came off at regular intervals, as I frequented a local barber who spoke in such fast southern-New-Hampshirean dialect that only those of careful auditory aptitude and ability to tune out the drone of the clippers in your ear could attend to his conversation. Thank you Tom!

Nowadays, though still handicapped by finances--hey, I am a teacher after all--I do get the more than occasional haircut. Usually I can make it from the Summer head shave until about Thanksgiving, and then again until almost February. The unruly neck hair, the thicket I have to wet comb, and, very nearly gel, forces me to scrape the funds together for a trim. This is when I pull a walk-in and the fine folks at Great Clips ask me, "You want me to use which clippers?" (A one on the sides and six on the top, if you are similarly-inclined.)

This time, however, was a wholly different experience, as most of my pre-cut instruction was in a series of pleas about the care to be taken around the fringes of the beard. "Now, be sure you leave the sideburns...when you reach the neck, please don't trim the jawline extensions...." Even still, the elderly woman who crafted such an otherwise fine 'do, caused my heart to leap a bit when she snipped off the sideburns on both sides, but left the right side a bit shorter than the left. I left it. Every beard journey needs the tracks of the adversity it endured along its path to amazing.

When she finished, I was all-too-please to look in the mirror and, nearly disregarding her question about how it looked, spy, for the first time, The Jullet. Whereas the Mullet is the hockey haircut known to be "business on the top and party in the back," The Jullet is business on top and party underneath! Enjoy.

Weeks Twenty-One and Twenty-Two: February 7th to 20th

Welcome to the hidden reality of bearding:

Larger and shaggier beards, though truly awe-inspiring and, perhaps, envy-producing, make people uneasy. At least most people feel even more free to say things they would never ordinarily say to people.

Phase One:
"So, you're really letting that thing grow out, huh?"

"Huh, that beard's getting pretty long."

"Wow, I haven't seen a beard worn like that before."

Phase Two:
"So, are you planning to shave that thing?"

"That's a pretty long beard. When are you gonna shave it?"


Phase Three:
"OK, so that beard--you must be getting pretty tired of it now, huh?"

"Wow, that is some beard, doesn't it drive you crazy?"

"That's what you are wearing on your face?"

"Um, yeah, I think it's time to shave. that thing!"

Yes, but you see, the thing is, when you spend this much time cultivating the facial moss-mat like this, you get to enjoy it as much as you might a good pair of socks or favorite shirt, and I can attest that it is at least as warm as the good socks, and not nearly as holey as that shirt. Plus, whereas things of mine, like wardrobe items, that would once qualify as "best," because of their particularly ratty, ragged, or holey attributes, seem to disappear in the loads of laundry that I don't get to before my wife. I have no fear that I will wake up freshly-shorn because she actually enjoys, promotes, and endorses this entire project. And this despite the most frequently-uttered comment/question: "So, you're wife must be getting pretty tired of that..." OR "Well, how does your wife like that?" OR "Sure, you like it, but what does your wife think of it?"

However long this beard lasts, and it will be at least until the end of this school year/beginning of the Summer, it won't disappear because of public peer pressure, nor because of my wife asking me to get rid of it. Count on it!

Week Twenty: January 30th to February 6th

OK, so I'll be the first to admit, I have a long way to go, or grow, as it were. On the bottom, if you have even noticed, is me, with the Snow and Ice Beard in honor of the winter weather we have had much of in the past week. (We had three snow days! The Summer will now commence that much later.)

On the top, which is probably so occupying your attention you may not even be reading this text, is the absolute beard eclipse currently under cultivation by my brother. To be fair (to me) he does have at least a month-and-a-half head start on me.

The plan for these Bro-Beards is to continue growing them at least until the first weekend in May. Why, you may ask? That is the weekend we two bearded brothers will find ourselves traipsing about the slopes of Mount Snow in Southern Vermont. Late-Spring snow? No, nothing of the sort. We will be one of the many semi-psychotic teams running in the Mudder, a challenge designed to test stamina and mental fortitude. (Check it out at toughmudder.com.)

How long will these beards be by then? It is difficult to say. The tangled jaw-mane already ensnares my shirt collars, ties, and jacket zippers throughout the day. My students perpetually test the depth during our read-alouds, sinking their fingers into my jawline and marveling that they disappear up to the second knuckle. "Whoa! I can hardly see my finger anymore!" I will resist the urge to inquire about recent hand hygiene and general cleanliness....